Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Well, I'm Fucked

Via Adam, the Cracked.com Zombie Survival Guide. All around highly useful, but there is one particular part of the section on people you don't want to join your zombie survival group that troubles me:

Gamers: I'm not passing judgment on anybody. In our everyday, non-zombie filled lives, gamers are just fine. It's a free country, and they don't hurt anybody. But when you're battling for your life against thousands of rotting ghouls, you may want to think twice about including a gamer in your group. Each of the thousands upon thousands of hours they've spent mastering the game of their choice, be it Warcraft, HALO, or Dungeons & Dragons, is an hour they didn't spend learning to do something in the real world. This leaves the average hardcore gamer with a skill set that tops out somewhere between "heating up Hot Pockets in the microwave" and "yelling at n00bs on the internet."

Dammit! But man...it's actually worse than that. Gamers aren't merely a detriment because you're going to have to assign someone to protect their fleshy and under-used bodies which they are incapable of protecting themselves. No, they actually worsen the chances of survival in a more significant manner, because they will insist on trying to apply all sorts of ridiculous ideas they used in similar situations in their gaming campaigns. Listen to any of these guys and the next thing you know, you'll be building a catapult to launch your group from the tops of one building to another "safely." I hate to say it, but it's best just to give gamers to the zombies and hope it keeps them busy long enough for you to escape.

Now paintballers? A completely different story. Those guys are practically military.


adam said...

Haha, good stuff recently man.

Nat-Wu said...

While I agree paintballers have two solid legs up in fitness...all they bring is paint. I'm sorry, but all the autocockers and Spider SEs in the world aren't going to stop zombies from chomping on you. They're not going to stop, yell "hit!" and walk off the field.

Xanthippas said...

Well, I was trying to be generous. Paintballers might actually be more useless, because they would seriously think they could stop a zombie with enough paint.

Nat-Wu said...

I would have to stop and laugh when one of them threw a paint grenade though.

Xanthippas said...

Ha. Somebody should make a movie about paintballers and zombies just so they can film a scene like that.